One Of The Last Of My Sentimental Posts

There is a reason why The Jowa has reached Exceptional Love status- he isn't my groupie.

I realized that for me to be truly in love with a man, the man must not, never ever, put me on a pedestal, salivate over me and basically, worship me. I guess I don't have that big of an ego as I originally thought.

Don't get me wrong- I love to be loved by the man love. The warmth it feeds you, the way it heals you when you need to be fixed, the way it makes you poised for everything that comes your way, the certainty that no matter what happens, it will never disappear-love is quite possibly the one potent thing in the world. However, much as I love being loved, I can never feel complete knowing that there is imbalance in that love. I don't want to love more and be loved less. Worse, I don't want to be loved by someone I don't see in the same light.

Also, I guess this is a part of getting older (nag-feeling hehe), I realized that when I look at ballers, so-called hearthrobs, rich, fancy dudes with xylophone abs and trust funds, instead of being interested, I am repelled. Now, I dig nerds, geeks, silent, average-Joe types who have no time for such crap as beer or partying at some club. Idig the beautiful nerdy, shy boy because he is my jowa. I love the fact that he gets tipsy with red wine. Ah, how I love my celestial light.

It is long overdue but I am very, very pleased to report that The Jowa and I are doing much, much better. Gone are the torments of our previous breakup, gone are the demons that scare us both into thinking that we are wasting our time. Now we can just focus on enjoying our time together and working hard to maintain the relationship.

This is not to say that everything is perfect. Of course not. What we have is too flawed. At times, boring and annoying. We are a work in progress. Every love story is. But like any other love story, we deserve to gloat about our little fortunes once in a while.

(Wala lang, sharing and updating mode lang.)

:)

Yay! Babaw Post

Just thought I'd share how I look using LaurEss' Ethereal Foundation in Soft Yellow. I did this when I was sick last Wednesday. I stayed at home, took a nap and did a bit of practicing after. Not perfect, I know. But it's just foundation. No powder, no blush, no primer. So medyo eek.

Hahahaha.

(photos deleted)

Junebug

I finished cleaning my room and organizing my files three weekends ago. It took me entirely two days to finish sorting out important documents, receipts, invoices, statements, letters. I didn't realize that I had been collecting so much stuff I didn't actually need and would never need. I was never a pack rat but I suppose the paranoia that the US dumps on every immigrant, the idea that everything is important got to me to such extent that everything truly became indispensable when in reality, they're not. Now, my cabinets are only about half-full and my desk looks like a desk again, instead of a dumpster.

My biggest problem now, though are those documents that have my info on them. People told me to get a shredder but I'm just not satisfied with that because in my head, weirdos can look inside my trash can and just rearrange the papers. So what I do is I cut every letter in itty-bitty pieces. It takes me half an hour to finish about 10 documents and with about 200 papers to sort and destroy, I need an entire weekend to finish up. I wish it's ok to burn paper here, like in The Philippines. Siga. Sigh. Someday, someone will invent a Super Fine Micro-Shredder with really sharp, really fine blades that can cut even the smallest letters into a million pieces, almost dust-like. Sana yung someday, bukas na. Dali, para abot sa 4th of July sale. Bwahahahaha.

Anyhoo, now I can start looking for driving schools. I took my vision exam two weeks ago, I think and I was not declared legally blind, thank God. The afternoon I spent memorizing the letters in the vision exam was a total waste because they asked me to read a different set of letters. You know that black camera-like thing they use for those with really bad eyes? Yeah, that's what I used. Sayang, I even devised a code so I can easily recall the letters.

Then for my birthday, I took three days off from work. The original plan was to go out of town, Catalina Island or any beach but due to the Jowa's terrible schedule, we just had dinner and lunch and dinner and lunch and dinner and lunch. What I dread is that I didn't get to wear this dress I've been wanting to wear to one of our dates. You know how it is, you shop, you primp and then boom! The one person you want to admire your efforts isn't there to see it. Medyo ganun, only, the effort wasn't there to be admired. Bwahahaha. I'd stick out like almoranas if I forced it so I didn't.

But it was a good celebration. I even think that it is my most favorite birthday because it is the first birthday spent with the Jowa and corny as it may sound, it's the people around you who really matter. Sentiments from that person, from people, closeness, conversations, tenderness, silences. Where I come from, that's rare. I couldn't have asked for more.

So that was June. This month is probably not much different, except there's not much to celebrate. Lately, I've been thinking about a drastic career move that I might regret but at the same time, feels so great. The job has gotten too comfortable, like an old, trusty lover who you actually despise, but because the unknown is scary, I am settling. Give me guts, world. Make everyday my birthday, a chance for rebirth, revolt.

Tagged

Oh dearie, we love ourselves too much. But since it's from Christina, I'm excited:

10 Random Facts About You (About me, Debbie. Of Course.)

1. I make up stories about people in my head. Like, the Hispanic lady who cut my hair last night was living from paycheck to paycheck because her former lover abandoned her and their lovechild. Or the Korean man I ride the bus with is a widower and is on the lookout for a new wife.

2. I yearn to change my look everyday. Like an everyday Madonna, constantly reinventing herself. But I'm too chicken. For instance, I was planning to dye my hair red or burgundy but at the last minute, I went to light golden brown. In my head, I'll be so decided that I'll make a drastic change but I end up not changing that much at all.

3. I realized that if there's any part of me that's really manly, it's my desire for solutions, which is why despite how tragic a situation is, instead of feeling sorry, I'm actually more irritated when the ones involved whine and avoid the real issue. It's so unproductive, a total waste of time and energy and quite cowardly.

4. When I'm upset, to me, pretty much everyone in the world is an idiot. Haha. Sorry. I don't get upset that much and I realized that not only are you not your best self when you're mad, you're also not your most honest self. I mean, sure, I think there are idiots out there but I don't really believe I've encountered one. In person.

5. My greatest pet peeve is repeating myself. Worse if the topic is completely insignificant from my end.

6. I really do banyo concerts, especially when I was in The Philippines. In between splashing my head with water from the tabo, while I'm scrubbing my scalp with shampoo, I'd belt out and try to imitate the voices of the artist. Now, I have progressed to bedroom and kitchen concerts.

7. I plan in my head different combinations for my clothes and accessories. I do this the week before or the month before. But everyday, I get up and just grab whatever it is that I can find. No one can really accuse me of not being able to plan. I just very rarely deliver.

8. I'd shoot myself before I read The Secret.

9. I think everything that's bad in our family's DNA has been passed on to me. I have the worst legs, worst skin, worst temperament, worst hair, worst eyes, worst body, worst metabolism, worst overall health. If not that, I must be one of life's guinea pigs. It's like the gods all went out with this clay and decided to test whether unruly hair, love handles and chicken legs go together.

10. I am pleasantly surprised that in some cases, I think of a certain belief and discover that a famous thinker has thought of the same thing as well. Take for instance this note from Frank Lloyd Wright on Mamah Cheney: she placed womanhood above all. Something to that effect. Before I read that, I already posted in my other blog this order: woman, lover, mother, etc.

Hehe. Wala lang. Masaya lang.O siya. Yun na yun.:)

The Blog Changed

The old title was decrepit and though it wasn't, as a casual, objective observer, it was just all too pretentious. I felt rushed at the time, so uninspired. Well, this one is too bwahahaha but at least, it's not centered on any one thing anymore. Who cares about California, really? Who cares about a Pinay in it? No one. But who cares about me? Well, me. Bwahahahaha

Now if I can just change the address... Sayang. Ayan, lesson mga bata: huwag magmadali. I was too excited kasi eh, to start a new blog apart from the one I have in Multiply, which I am thinking of deleting and turning into some storage of pictures. Oh well.

But I am liking this new look. Although a bit of a bore, it's easier on the eyes. Plus, the space is wider. It's more me. (Meaning, I'm a pretty fatty? Nyahahaha joke.)

Hay okay. Goodbye for now. Just really wanted to explain the changes.

:)

No Coach For Me

Wait 'll just try this. So cute : ही। माय नेम इस देब्बिए। Hihi.

I don't think I'll ever buy a designer bag. Or any bag that costs more than $30. No, I have no problem with people splurging on themselves anymore. But my reason now is personal and the reason is: my aunt was diagnosed with lung cancer.

I didn't take the news well. Well, I didn't break down and cry. My aunt and I weren't that close. So-so. Still, she's always been to me, a permanent figure in our family. She's just always there and I spent my entire life living next door to her and eversince I left The Philippines, living with her. While she never made any attempt to be mom-like to me or to my sister, she was the closest to a mother we could have. But yeah. I didn't take the news very well. Because instead of hugging her, which I should have done but because I am cold and distant, I took the logical approach- what are we going to do about it?

The doctor told her that she would need to have an operation. The tumor is already as big as half of her left lung but in order to have that operation, we need to apply for some kind of aid. If we don't get that aid, the option is to pay out of pocket, money that we actually don't have. The other option is to have the operation in The Philippines, where it's probably cheaper.

She did decide, though it's not final, that she wouldn't have the operation. I believe she's very scared. She says it'll probably kill her faster than the cancer could. I asked her if it's possible to have chemo instead of having that tumor dug out and destroyed. It's just as difficult but anything to keep her alive.

I believe she will go home soon, though, given the situation. Either way, she'll want to be in The Philippines. Love is indeed most solid at the time of death (GGM) and now, her love for her children and her old life weigh more than her love for herself.

But going back, I have now decided to have a fund for my personal, imminent death. Hey, it's just as likely as anyone's end. No one knows. But I vow to start a fund for when I get sick, hospitalized. Sure, I'll have fun but now I get why my father gets mad when my sister buys bags and watches she doesn't need. Stuff that arouse her interest and satisfy her material craving. Now I am more than happy to have a father who thinks very far into the future, who knows what's essential, who knows that there's no higher physical craving than to stay healthy and fight for life when it's being threatened.

Best of luck to my aunt. I'm googling doctors. There's no time to waste.

Free Willies

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Project Blog # 4

http://gtbloggin.blogspot.com/2008/04/project-blog-4.html

We are bordering on the weekend (woohoo!) and while I do not have plans at all, just like any other weekend, I am just so excited. I don't know why but it feels like I will be pleasantly surpised for the next couple of days.

Which probably means, nothing will happen.

The fact that I don't go out has ceased to be an excruciatingly dull for me. I am incredibly tired during the weekdays. I feel sluggish especially in the afternoons when I'm about to go home. My mind stays active but my body refuses to cooperate. My body wins my mind over and the next day when consciousness alerts my senses, I feel paralyzed, glued to my bed.

Which explains why my hair's always a royal mess. Even if I wake up at 5 in the morning, I'm still almost always late for my 6:45 bus.

I crave my bed, which is not really mine but my aunt's. I crave the peace and comfort it gives me. It's false security but any kind of security will do.

Which brings me to the answer- I have been planning to blog about this but when I first came across this question, "What is the one thing that's missing in your life at this moment?", I could think of a lot of things but could not sum them up. Couldn't decide on just one, the vital one. The answer only hit me this AM, as I was reading about a woman's quest to find the perfect jewelry for her man. It hit me. I don't have that.

I don't have that luxury of knowing that I can look forward to buying a gift for a special man in my life. The relationship I have is loose, open. While I believe that I am a free-spirit, a woman in love will naturally crave structure. So she can build a life that includes her man. She wants to turn their lives into a dance.

I can not do that. I don't have the security of time, of a contract, of obligations. And that is scary. I don't believe most people will approve of it, will be able to live with it. It's not that I am demanding for it to be otherwise. No. It's something I have accepted, I am trying to work out. I believe in loving a man for who he is and not finding a man to shape into my ideals. I am trying to understand. I haven't been entirely successful but the fact that I am still here, still holding on, means that I haven't failed.

I also don't have the security of this place I live in right now. My Dad just failed his driving exam and I have to admit- it scares me. It scares me to think that I could be like some of the people I've met here who don't get to drive, who failed innumerable times in their driving tests. It's a simple problem but if I can't drive, I can't study. If I can't study, most of my plans will erode. My only solution is to move to another state. Something I don't know if I can handle especially since I am still new here. I know it's not very matured and I'm being foolish but I'm scared shitless. I'm scared that my abilities will not be able to hold up against the needs, the pressures.

Stuck in limbo. The pain is not when you hear the thud when you crash. Not the crash itself. It's the suspension that offers the greatest deal of discomfort.

Tuesday Dreaming

For the past two days, I haven't really slept. Sunday night became Monday morning when I finally drifted off. A few insignificant hours after, I was already hitting the snooze button, attempting to get up after one more minute. No, make that two minutes. No, three. What the hell? Make it five.

Monday night became Tuesday morning when I began dreaming. I woke up at around 6 AM today to my father's urgent knocking on my door, "Hoy! Papasok ka ba ?" Annoyed from being roused from a sex dream, I got up about 5 minutes later.

I am having lots of sex dreams these days. Frustrating sex dreams. I shouldn't be saying that but really, I am.

These days, I'm no longer grumpy when it comes to going to work. I should thank my bus rides for that, for the great inspiration it provides in making, especially my afternoon commute, conducive to ridiculous dreams. Such as:

1. I dream of a pill, a magic pill, that can help me schedule my monthly period in such a way that it's aligned with my preference and my other obligations. For instance, I can probably have the first day of my monthly period, say, on a Saturday when I'm just at home, doing nothing as usual. Then the second day will be on Sunday. Then I can postpone the period for another week, let it come back the next Sunday. It should also come with an emergency stop-period pill. Like, if I thought I wasn't doing anything but later in the day, I receive a call saying, "Hey, get your gorgeous ass out here. Let's party!", I can make the period go away.

Of course, the chances of me having to use an emergency stop-period pill are slim. No one parties these days. No one will call me like that. I do have a gorgeous ass, though, so that's one out of three. Nyahahahahaha.

2. If you're familiar with the anime, Mojacko, you will know that in Planet Moja Moja, the citizens control rain. They schedule the rain during night time, when almost everyone is home, sleeping. I want that. Someday, I wish I can make a device that controls precipitation.

Wow, I'm sounding like a real control freak. Why don't I just wish for responsible government officials who can fix the sewage problem in The Philippines and can construct better roads?

3. I wish for this, but it's for my sister- I really wish that my sister will fulfill her lifelong dream of finding a bag filled with about a hundred thousand pesos. No identification, just money. Goodluck sister.

4. I dream of performing Feist's, "Limit To Your Love" in front of a live audience. In a peach satin top with white lace, faded jeans, black choker. My hair long and with bangs. A band behind me, my eyes alive with pain and my audience moved to tears . Nyahahahaha.

5. This is a wish that I think will save all mankind- I wish everyone will know the virtue of taking a bath. I commute everyday with some of the nastiest smelling fellow beasts of burden that walked the earth. I pray for water, no shortage of it, a good soap and a fresh cologne for everyone. I hope there's an unwritten law followed by all citizens of this earth, that it is a crime to walk around smelling like you haven't heard of a bath in your entire life. Some days, like today, Tuesday, someone will walk by in the aisle of the bus and I'm forced to snap out of my reverie.

I.Can't. Blog.

I am having difficulties blogging. I think it's because although I originally set out to turn this blog into some sort of guide, some unsolicitated help blog for people dealing with the pains of immigration, I have to admit, these things do not occupy my thoughts at the moment. And like I said, this is a one woman show. None of other people's experiences will be incorporated here. It's just me and my perspective is not enough.

So I decided, I am just going to blog like I used to. Self-indulgent things with little notes on the original goal. To describe what it's like to start over and over and over again.

On a lighter but more immediate note, I did pass my written exam for driving. I decided to take it despite my overwhelming reluctance and lack of preparation because you know, fact is, in California, if you don't have a license, you also don't have a life. It's crippling to not be able to get around and do what you have to do or want to do whenever you want. One catch- I failed the vision exam so they did not issue me a student permit. However, I am getting my glasses soon so everything should be ok.

It makes me sad, sometimes, that I sort of wasted the past two years. Two years I could have spent jumpstarting a career, a vision. I sometimes feel too old and when I compare my life to some other friends, I could see that they've done more and achieved more in the past 3 years since we graduated. But I think, because I want to console myself, I think I could have been in the same place that they are in had I not left. I would have tried to be in research now or I could be getting my MA.

Another thing, one stroke of mush, if there's really one thing that makes me grateful about being here, it's the chance to get to know some people, one person in particular. I won't trade that for the world.

Ok, enough of that. Nyahahaha. So ayun nga. I sometimes feel like I'm moving so slow. But then again, this is my pace. It's not ideal but it's how it is. I want to believe that there are no mistakes, no such thing as being too late in the game. I am now excited about certain possibilities and grateful for what I've learned, anxious about what yet I have to learn. But I promised myself, no matter what, I am going to have a blast.

(See? I can't blog. What a lame ending.)

:)

Media Habits

http://gtbloggin.blogspot.com/2008/03/project-blog-1.html


First project from http://gtbloggin.blogspot.com/

O di ba? I'm so masunurin. Add that to the fact that my next blog would need pictures and I can't find any and my camera has been adopted by my aunt.

I am in desperate need of a new camera, sa totoo lang.

Ok, questions:

Q: What do you read, watch, download, listen to? Why?

A: Aba feeling artista ako. Ok. When it comes to books, I only have one rule: No self-help books. I was never fond of them, maybe because I hate it when everything is reduced to science. Everything that I find sacred becomes monotonous. I'm a bigger fan of fiction and I find that those stories are more honest, more helpful because they at least subscribe to certain philosophies. Philosophies that the most brilliant people in history have formulated and followed.

What I watch- I'm stuck at home watching TV and DVDs. In TV, the only semi-serious shows I can tolerate are Grey's Anatomy, House and 24. I'm partial to sitcoms and cartoons. Family Guy being at the top of the list of shows I just have to have my daily dose of. After a long day, I really have no patience to digest other people's drama. As for "reality" shows, I like this season's American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance? I hate, hate, hate Dancing With The Stars. I'm very mean but I've always thought that that's a show only gurangs can really like.

As for movies, no particular genre. If I'm intrigued by a plot, I usually watch it. Depends on my mood. I did notice however that I can take the drama of movies and I am not a big fan of happy endings.

Music: I like Tori Amos and Feist. Tori for her lyrics and her otherworldly presence. Feist for her romanticism and her voice. Everything is in my profile. Haha tamad.

Downloading, hmm. I actually don't download that much. It's not because I'm nice but because my internet connection is so slow. As in. Let's take it slow, so slow, anywhere you wanna go, so slow talaga. Para siyang si Pong Pagong. Uy may teacher ako nung HS, kamukha ni Pong Pagong. Pramis. Pero mabait yun, madaling utuin. Anyhoo, yeah, I don't download. Because I have slow internet connection. Yun lang.

Q: What do you do on the internet?

A: Surf. Window shop? Hehe. I am at GT a lot and Multiply and now, this blog and of course, GTbloggin.

Q: How much have you spent/saved on this habit?

A: I pay the same amount for the internet whether or not I surf the entire day, which has never happened. Of course the electric bill is another matter. Ah. Serious matters. Let's leave those to the adults. Haha joke.

Hehe, sorry, kinatay ko questions. That's it for me.

An Introduction...Sort Of

I left The Philippines in 2006. Though it wasn't my very first trip to the US, it was the first time I said I would be leaving home for good. Even then, the concept of for good to me was at most, 10 years. I'm on my second straight year in the US and already, that maximum is a blank space. Lower it and I'd be cheating. Add to it and I'd be jumping to conclusion.

Our petition was approved in 2001. It was a petition by my father's sister to get my dad's and his family's (me and my sister) asses to California. At the time, I never thought of the petition as a life changing thing. I always assumed that I would leave because I had to test what it was like but it never occurred to me that my decision was something that will be permanent. I thought I could take it back at whim. Maybe it was because going to the US was never a dream, never a part of my plans. I was also unsure if it will make me happy. It was something that just flopped open in my lap, awaiting my interest. I didn't put any work into it and for that, I suppose I am very lucky. Tne truth was, it was a major inconvenience in my life, seeing as how I thought I needed to adjust to a new life so foreign, so alien to me. And I justified my hesitation by thinking that I didn't need it. I was satisfied with the middle class life. I was educated and smart enough. I could make it in The Philippines. Migration then was a lot like condom. It wasn't something that could make you happy at the moment but thinking about long term, yeah, it must be wise to put it on.

It must be wise to leave. So I left.

The first year was tough. I left someone at home, left my sister, left my friends, left a lot of possibilities. I also had a period of getting all these health problems that scarred me literally and figuratively. (More on literally. I'm just overly dramatic sometimes.) I also made very few friends and I wasn't used to the climate, the lifestyle and the demands of the new life. I was homesick and to abate that, I turned my anger and sadness to our little place, to California, to the US. I berated life and people here.

In 2007, I was able to go back to The Philippines. I stayed there for almost three weeks and all through 2006, I spent most of my time concentrating on that vacation. I also refused to spend for myself because I thought I had to have a blast in The Philippines. So I spent most of April hopping different beaches, savoring everything I missed and didn't see when I was still a resident of the country and bonded with people I've missed.

When my plane finally landed in the LA, however, something did change. I heaved a huge sigh of relief. I missed The Philippines and will jump at any chance to go back but I guess, I have somehow planted most of my roots in California to such point that I began to see my what I perceived then as a miserable life as home. I was back. Home.

It dawned on me then that home is an ambiguous concept. If afterall, home is a place where you grew up in, I did a lot of growing up here and I've got a long way to go. I'm just starting. So I have two homes now and another one, for when and if I move someplace else.

So, this blog is about that. Nonsense stuff about how it is to live in an average town in the land of milk and money este honey. Oh crap that whole "freedom" bit. Most people go abroad for the money. (It wasn't my motivation for coming but it certainly is now, a motivation for staying.) I can't deal with the technicalities, I don't work for immigration. The field of vision is also very narrow. Hey, I'm just one person here. I can only draw from personal experiences and insights gathered from every little day I spend here.

But of course, I have to talk about other things. That's the one thing I can never learn-shutting up.