Project Blog # 4

http://gtbloggin.blogspot.com/2008/04/project-blog-4.html

We are bordering on the weekend (woohoo!) and while I do not have plans at all, just like any other weekend, I am just so excited. I don't know why but it feels like I will be pleasantly surpised for the next couple of days.

Which probably means, nothing will happen.

The fact that I don't go out has ceased to be an excruciatingly dull for me. I am incredibly tired during the weekdays. I feel sluggish especially in the afternoons when I'm about to go home. My mind stays active but my body refuses to cooperate. My body wins my mind over and the next day when consciousness alerts my senses, I feel paralyzed, glued to my bed.

Which explains why my hair's always a royal mess. Even if I wake up at 5 in the morning, I'm still almost always late for my 6:45 bus.

I crave my bed, which is not really mine but my aunt's. I crave the peace and comfort it gives me. It's false security but any kind of security will do.

Which brings me to the answer- I have been planning to blog about this but when I first came across this question, "What is the one thing that's missing in your life at this moment?", I could think of a lot of things but could not sum them up. Couldn't decide on just one, the vital one. The answer only hit me this AM, as I was reading about a woman's quest to find the perfect jewelry for her man. It hit me. I don't have that.

I don't have that luxury of knowing that I can look forward to buying a gift for a special man in my life. The relationship I have is loose, open. While I believe that I am a free-spirit, a woman in love will naturally crave structure. So she can build a life that includes her man. She wants to turn their lives into a dance.

I can not do that. I don't have the security of time, of a contract, of obligations. And that is scary. I don't believe most people will approve of it, will be able to live with it. It's not that I am demanding for it to be otherwise. No. It's something I have accepted, I am trying to work out. I believe in loving a man for who he is and not finding a man to shape into my ideals. I am trying to understand. I haven't been entirely successful but the fact that I am still here, still holding on, means that I haven't failed.

I also don't have the security of this place I live in right now. My Dad just failed his driving exam and I have to admit- it scares me. It scares me to think that I could be like some of the people I've met here who don't get to drive, who failed innumerable times in their driving tests. It's a simple problem but if I can't drive, I can't study. If I can't study, most of my plans will erode. My only solution is to move to another state. Something I don't know if I can handle especially since I am still new here. I know it's not very matured and I'm being foolish but I'm scared shitless. I'm scared that my abilities will not be able to hold up against the needs, the pressures.

Stuck in limbo. The pain is not when you hear the thud when you crash. Not the crash itself. It's the suspension that offers the greatest deal of discomfort.

Tuesday Dreaming

For the past two days, I haven't really slept. Sunday night became Monday morning when I finally drifted off. A few insignificant hours after, I was already hitting the snooze button, attempting to get up after one more minute. No, make that two minutes. No, three. What the hell? Make it five.

Monday night became Tuesday morning when I began dreaming. I woke up at around 6 AM today to my father's urgent knocking on my door, "Hoy! Papasok ka ba ?" Annoyed from being roused from a sex dream, I got up about 5 minutes later.

I am having lots of sex dreams these days. Frustrating sex dreams. I shouldn't be saying that but really, I am.

These days, I'm no longer grumpy when it comes to going to work. I should thank my bus rides for that, for the great inspiration it provides in making, especially my afternoon commute, conducive to ridiculous dreams. Such as:

1. I dream of a pill, a magic pill, that can help me schedule my monthly period in such a way that it's aligned with my preference and my other obligations. For instance, I can probably have the first day of my monthly period, say, on a Saturday when I'm just at home, doing nothing as usual. Then the second day will be on Sunday. Then I can postpone the period for another week, let it come back the next Sunday. It should also come with an emergency stop-period pill. Like, if I thought I wasn't doing anything but later in the day, I receive a call saying, "Hey, get your gorgeous ass out here. Let's party!", I can make the period go away.

Of course, the chances of me having to use an emergency stop-period pill are slim. No one parties these days. No one will call me like that. I do have a gorgeous ass, though, so that's one out of three. Nyahahahahaha.

2. If you're familiar with the anime, Mojacko, you will know that in Planet Moja Moja, the citizens control rain. They schedule the rain during night time, when almost everyone is home, sleeping. I want that. Someday, I wish I can make a device that controls precipitation.

Wow, I'm sounding like a real control freak. Why don't I just wish for responsible government officials who can fix the sewage problem in The Philippines and can construct better roads?

3. I wish for this, but it's for my sister- I really wish that my sister will fulfill her lifelong dream of finding a bag filled with about a hundred thousand pesos. No identification, just money. Goodluck sister.

4. I dream of performing Feist's, "Limit To Your Love" in front of a live audience. In a peach satin top with white lace, faded jeans, black choker. My hair long and with bangs. A band behind me, my eyes alive with pain and my audience moved to tears . Nyahahahaha.

5. This is a wish that I think will save all mankind- I wish everyone will know the virtue of taking a bath. I commute everyday with some of the nastiest smelling fellow beasts of burden that walked the earth. I pray for water, no shortage of it, a good soap and a fresh cologne for everyone. I hope there's an unwritten law followed by all citizens of this earth, that it is a crime to walk around smelling like you haven't heard of a bath in your entire life. Some days, like today, Tuesday, someone will walk by in the aisle of the bus and I'm forced to snap out of my reverie.