Project Blog # 4

http://gtbloggin.blogspot.com/2008/04/project-blog-4.html

We are bordering on the weekend (woohoo!) and while I do not have plans at all, just like any other weekend, I am just so excited. I don't know why but it feels like I will be pleasantly surpised for the next couple of days.

Which probably means, nothing will happen.

The fact that I don't go out has ceased to be an excruciatingly dull for me. I am incredibly tired during the weekdays. I feel sluggish especially in the afternoons when I'm about to go home. My mind stays active but my body refuses to cooperate. My body wins my mind over and the next day when consciousness alerts my senses, I feel paralyzed, glued to my bed.

Which explains why my hair's always a royal mess. Even if I wake up at 5 in the morning, I'm still almost always late for my 6:45 bus.

I crave my bed, which is not really mine but my aunt's. I crave the peace and comfort it gives me. It's false security but any kind of security will do.

Which brings me to the answer- I have been planning to blog about this but when I first came across this question, "What is the one thing that's missing in your life at this moment?", I could think of a lot of things but could not sum them up. Couldn't decide on just one, the vital one. The answer only hit me this AM, as I was reading about a woman's quest to find the perfect jewelry for her man. It hit me. I don't have that.

I don't have that luxury of knowing that I can look forward to buying a gift for a special man in my life. The relationship I have is loose, open. While I believe that I am a free-spirit, a woman in love will naturally crave structure. So she can build a life that includes her man. She wants to turn their lives into a dance.

I can not do that. I don't have the security of time, of a contract, of obligations. And that is scary. I don't believe most people will approve of it, will be able to live with it. It's not that I am demanding for it to be otherwise. No. It's something I have accepted, I am trying to work out. I believe in loving a man for who he is and not finding a man to shape into my ideals. I am trying to understand. I haven't been entirely successful but the fact that I am still here, still holding on, means that I haven't failed.

I also don't have the security of this place I live in right now. My Dad just failed his driving exam and I have to admit- it scares me. It scares me to think that I could be like some of the people I've met here who don't get to drive, who failed innumerable times in their driving tests. It's a simple problem but if I can't drive, I can't study. If I can't study, most of my plans will erode. My only solution is to move to another state. Something I don't know if I can handle especially since I am still new here. I know it's not very matured and I'm being foolish but I'm scared shitless. I'm scared that my abilities will not be able to hold up against the needs, the pressures.

Stuck in limbo. The pain is not when you hear the thud when you crash. Not the crash itself. It's the suspension that offers the greatest deal of discomfort.