I.Can't. Blog.

I am having difficulties blogging. I think it's because although I originally set out to turn this blog into some sort of guide, some unsolicitated help blog for people dealing with the pains of immigration, I have to admit, these things do not occupy my thoughts at the moment. And like I said, this is a one woman show. None of other people's experiences will be incorporated here. It's just me and my perspective is not enough.

So I decided, I am just going to blog like I used to. Self-indulgent things with little notes on the original goal. To describe what it's like to start over and over and over again.

On a lighter but more immediate note, I did pass my written exam for driving. I decided to take it despite my overwhelming reluctance and lack of preparation because you know, fact is, in California, if you don't have a license, you also don't have a life. It's crippling to not be able to get around and do what you have to do or want to do whenever you want. One catch- I failed the vision exam so they did not issue me a student permit. However, I am getting my glasses soon so everything should be ok.

It makes me sad, sometimes, that I sort of wasted the past two years. Two years I could have spent jumpstarting a career, a vision. I sometimes feel too old and when I compare my life to some other friends, I could see that they've done more and achieved more in the past 3 years since we graduated. But I think, because I want to console myself, I think I could have been in the same place that they are in had I not left. I would have tried to be in research now or I could be getting my MA.

Another thing, one stroke of mush, if there's really one thing that makes me grateful about being here, it's the chance to get to know some people, one person in particular. I won't trade that for the world.

Ok, enough of that. Nyahahaha. So ayun nga. I sometimes feel like I'm moving so slow. But then again, this is my pace. It's not ideal but it's how it is. I want to believe that there are no mistakes, no such thing as being too late in the game. I am now excited about certain possibilities and grateful for what I've learned, anxious about what yet I have to learn. But I promised myself, no matter what, I am going to have a blast.

(See? I can't blog. What a lame ending.)

:)

Media Habits

http://gtbloggin.blogspot.com/2008/03/project-blog-1.html


First project from http://gtbloggin.blogspot.com/

O di ba? I'm so masunurin. Add that to the fact that my next blog would need pictures and I can't find any and my camera has been adopted by my aunt.

I am in desperate need of a new camera, sa totoo lang.

Ok, questions:

Q: What do you read, watch, download, listen to? Why?

A: Aba feeling artista ako. Ok. When it comes to books, I only have one rule: No self-help books. I was never fond of them, maybe because I hate it when everything is reduced to science. Everything that I find sacred becomes monotonous. I'm a bigger fan of fiction and I find that those stories are more honest, more helpful because they at least subscribe to certain philosophies. Philosophies that the most brilliant people in history have formulated and followed.

What I watch- I'm stuck at home watching TV and DVDs. In TV, the only semi-serious shows I can tolerate are Grey's Anatomy, House and 24. I'm partial to sitcoms and cartoons. Family Guy being at the top of the list of shows I just have to have my daily dose of. After a long day, I really have no patience to digest other people's drama. As for "reality" shows, I like this season's American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance? I hate, hate, hate Dancing With The Stars. I'm very mean but I've always thought that that's a show only gurangs can really like.

As for movies, no particular genre. If I'm intrigued by a plot, I usually watch it. Depends on my mood. I did notice however that I can take the drama of movies and I am not a big fan of happy endings.

Music: I like Tori Amos and Feist. Tori for her lyrics and her otherworldly presence. Feist for her romanticism and her voice. Everything is in my profile. Haha tamad.

Downloading, hmm. I actually don't download that much. It's not because I'm nice but because my internet connection is so slow. As in. Let's take it slow, so slow, anywhere you wanna go, so slow talaga. Para siyang si Pong Pagong. Uy may teacher ako nung HS, kamukha ni Pong Pagong. Pramis. Pero mabait yun, madaling utuin. Anyhoo, yeah, I don't download. Because I have slow internet connection. Yun lang.

Q: What do you do on the internet?

A: Surf. Window shop? Hehe. I am at GT a lot and Multiply and now, this blog and of course, GTbloggin.

Q: How much have you spent/saved on this habit?

A: I pay the same amount for the internet whether or not I surf the entire day, which has never happened. Of course the electric bill is another matter. Ah. Serious matters. Let's leave those to the adults. Haha joke.

Hehe, sorry, kinatay ko questions. That's it for me.

An Introduction...Sort Of

I left The Philippines in 2006. Though it wasn't my very first trip to the US, it was the first time I said I would be leaving home for good. Even then, the concept of for good to me was at most, 10 years. I'm on my second straight year in the US and already, that maximum is a blank space. Lower it and I'd be cheating. Add to it and I'd be jumping to conclusion.

Our petition was approved in 2001. It was a petition by my father's sister to get my dad's and his family's (me and my sister) asses to California. At the time, I never thought of the petition as a life changing thing. I always assumed that I would leave because I had to test what it was like but it never occurred to me that my decision was something that will be permanent. I thought I could take it back at whim. Maybe it was because going to the US was never a dream, never a part of my plans. I was also unsure if it will make me happy. It was something that just flopped open in my lap, awaiting my interest. I didn't put any work into it and for that, I suppose I am very lucky. Tne truth was, it was a major inconvenience in my life, seeing as how I thought I needed to adjust to a new life so foreign, so alien to me. And I justified my hesitation by thinking that I didn't need it. I was satisfied with the middle class life. I was educated and smart enough. I could make it in The Philippines. Migration then was a lot like condom. It wasn't something that could make you happy at the moment but thinking about long term, yeah, it must be wise to put it on.

It must be wise to leave. So I left.

The first year was tough. I left someone at home, left my sister, left my friends, left a lot of possibilities. I also had a period of getting all these health problems that scarred me literally and figuratively. (More on literally. I'm just overly dramatic sometimes.) I also made very few friends and I wasn't used to the climate, the lifestyle and the demands of the new life. I was homesick and to abate that, I turned my anger and sadness to our little place, to California, to the US. I berated life and people here.

In 2007, I was able to go back to The Philippines. I stayed there for almost three weeks and all through 2006, I spent most of my time concentrating on that vacation. I also refused to spend for myself because I thought I had to have a blast in The Philippines. So I spent most of April hopping different beaches, savoring everything I missed and didn't see when I was still a resident of the country and bonded with people I've missed.

When my plane finally landed in the LA, however, something did change. I heaved a huge sigh of relief. I missed The Philippines and will jump at any chance to go back but I guess, I have somehow planted most of my roots in California to such point that I began to see my what I perceived then as a miserable life as home. I was back. Home.

It dawned on me then that home is an ambiguous concept. If afterall, home is a place where you grew up in, I did a lot of growing up here and I've got a long way to go. I'm just starting. So I have two homes now and another one, for when and if I move someplace else.

So, this blog is about that. Nonsense stuff about how it is to live in an average town in the land of milk and money este honey. Oh crap that whole "freedom" bit. Most people go abroad for the money. (It wasn't my motivation for coming but it certainly is now, a motivation for staying.) I can't deal with the technicalities, I don't work for immigration. The field of vision is also very narrow. Hey, I'm just one person here. I can only draw from personal experiences and insights gathered from every little day I spend here.

But of course, I have to talk about other things. That's the one thing I can never learn-shutting up.